After a tense conversation, separate your notes into two layers: what exactly was said or done and how you are explaining it to yourself. You may be able to clarify the first layer from memory, messages, or a recording; the second remains one possible explanation until you have more information. This does not mean your reaction is “wrong,” and it does not oblige you to immediately find an excuse for the other person.
Words and explanations are different things
For this note, a fact is a specific, observable event described without guessing at motives. “The meeting was moved an hour before it started” describes an event. “They think I do not matter” explains what the event means. The second may be true, but one rescheduled meeting cannot establish it. Even an exact quotation is better recorded as “I remember these words being said” if you are not sure you recall it verbatim.
An assumption can be alarming, kind, or neutral. “He wanted to hurt me,” “she did not see the message,” and “the person did not know this mattered to me” are all possibilities. You do not have to replace one negative guess with an optimistic one. The aim is to leave room for several explanations when there is not enough information yet.
A feeling does not become a guess just because an interpretation brought it on. You can accurately say, “I felt confused and hurt,” without claiming the other person meant to cause pain. A feeling tells you about your experience; by itself it does not prove another person’s intention.
A fictional example: “Let’s talk later”
Imagine a colleague answers your request to discuss workload with, “Let’s talk later.” A first draft of your note might say, “He doesn’t care; he doesn’t want to help me.” Separate the layers:
- Observation: my colleague said “let’s talk later” and did not name a specific time.
- My response: I felt anxious and irritated because the task deadline is close.
- Possibilities: he is busy now; he needs to check his schedule; he is avoiding the conversation.
- What I do not know yet: whether he is willing to make time and when he can answer.
A next step could be a simple question: “When today or tomorrow would work for you to talk? I need to discuss the deadline before Thursday.” The answer will give you new information, but even then you will not be able to read the other person’s character or every motive with certainty.
What changes when episodes repeat
If similar situations happen regularly, describe more than the latest sentence. Note the observable pattern: how many times an agreement changed, when you were told, and what happened after you asked for clarification. Several concrete examples may help you start a conversation about the reliability of plans. Repetition still does not prove a particular motive. You can talk about how someone’s behaviour affects you without deciding in advance why they act that way.
You do not have to analyze every situation to the end. If a note leads you to reread messages again and again, look for proof of the worst explanation, or postpone an action you need to take, stop and choose a more direct step available to you: ask a question, seek support, or leave an unsafe interaction. This practice is useful only when it helps you describe your own choice more clearly.
Make a brief note
- Write down the specific words, actions, time, and context. Separate an exact quotation from what you recall in your own words.
- Name your response and possible explanations separately. Note what information supports each possibility and what you do not know yet.
- Choose what you need now: clarify a fact, make a request, postpone the conversation, or take no action.
The NHS Every Mind Matters exercise asks about a situation, feelings, thoughts, and evidence for or against an interpretation. Here we use only the general idea of recording an event, your response, and possible explanations. The list above is an everyday editorial adaptation, not an NHS protocol or a form of cognitive behavioural therapy. It is not for diagnosis, testing whether thoughts are “correct,” or establishing another person’s intentions.
When this practice is not suitable
If there are threats, coercion, violence, or a risk of retaliation, you do not need to gather evidence or enter a conversation in the name of “objectivity” first. Safety matters more than this exercise; contact a person or local support service available to you. Do not keep notes where someone you depend on and fear could find them.
For a lower-risk situation, the Situation Portrait lets you record facts, assumptions, and what matters separately. Your answers are processed in the browser; the tool does not determine which explanation is true.